Affirmation #1
I am alive. Life is pointless but I am living despite. I choose to live.
This is me crying.
I said to myself, the next person to ask how I was, even in passing, would be responsible for my murder because they would get an honest response. I’ve decided to save the unlucky fellow from imaginary homicide charges. After all, pickney nuh fi cry from beating himself.
I have been running away from myself, it’s an art form in which I’ve had lots of practice. This time, I have a good reason, a good excuse and a popular resort.
I have been working, reading, working, panicking about work and begging sleep to come, but it doesn’t come so I think.
I don’t want to think about my life, and every time I think about it, I just run towards work because the helplessness—that scream starts up again. Trying to do something about my material condition, no matter how futile, makes me feel better. Sometimes I run down a rabbit hole of new knowledge and successfully distract myself.
But when you stare at the screen for hours doing nothing and you get those chills only anxiety can give you, you have to ask yourself, how the hell do I have these much things to do?
Q: How are you really?
You know in movies, when the hero is at the lowest point in their lives (defeated by something/someone) and they get a motivational message from someone and they rise up and vanquish whatever because they believed in themselves?
Movies are bastard things because they are so far from reality. I’ve been at the lowest for a long time, and I am constantly trying to pull myself up, only to sink lower. I may have exhausted hope.
A life of tragedy is full of surprises even if you were on the lookout for it. You may be shitting yourself expecting an apocalyptic event, one big tragedy, a hammer type invasion to end you but it doesn’t come. Instead, you run into a succession of little unlucky incidents, wickedly timed troubles that you shake off until you can’t, until you find yourself worse off than you imagined.
I get tired of talking about it because I always hear the same thing. “Everything will be alright; you will be fine” and variations of it. If you are so sure everything will be alright, why not make it alright right now?
After staring at the screen, I started crying but I hate crying, it is useless and does not make anything better, especially if there is nobody to hold me and there is nobody to hold me so I stop and start writing.
This is me crying.
